I am not posting about fashion today. Today’s post is more serious than what I typically post. I am pretty emotionally worn out right now and I wanted to share with you what’s been happening in our lives. It frames the state of mind I am in after what happened this weekend(which I will get too in a second)
I don’t know how many times in the past 13 months I’ve thought about writing a follow-up to this post, but have been unable or unwilling to put the pen to paper(or rather the fingers to the keys). I guess I kind of thought if I didn’t write about it, I could pretend it wasn’t happening and in some way guard my heart from the hurt.
23 months. 25 cycles. 25 disappointments. Enough time for my SIL to give birth, get pregnant and give birth again.
More than enough time to earn the official title of “Infertility”.
I’m not sure what has prompted me to write this time, other than my yearly female visit yesterday and the things the doctor told me. Maybe a bit of it is some weird voo-doo hope that if I write about my infertility, then life will “ironically” allow me to get pregnant. It’s happened to several other bloggers…why not me?
ETA: Also, this weekend we thought we might lose our precious angel Aspen(who is the favorite of all our dogs) which made this all the more relevant.
If you only started reading the blog in the past year and/or you don’t want to go back and read my initial post about my(at the time) impending infertility here’s the summary.
Hubby and I decided to start trying in September 2011. I assumed we’d get pregnant right away, but to be safe I did tons of research, read all the books on conception and got us started on all the herbs/vitamins/ovulation tracking. I did everything “right” according to all sources I could find.
Month after month went by with nothing. I got discouraged. 9 months into it, I went to the doctor. I knew something was wrong. It was-I had stage 4 endometriosis. The doctor told us IVF was likely the only way we would conceive(and that I would need a hysterectomy in a few years,) but we could try naturally for awhile yet. Maybe the endometriosis surgery had helped clear things out enough. He told us he’d had another patient with a similar severity of endometriosis and she had gotten pregnant 6 months after her surgery.
It’s been almost 14 months since my surgery and each month has brought my cycle like clockwork(plus or minus a few days). For the most part, I’ve buried my head in the sand and refused to *really* think about what it all means. The only time it really gets to me are when I see awful parents doing awful things to their kids…and in the quiet stillness of my long car rides in the morning as I head to work.
My car has basically seen all the tears I’ve shed.
It’s a weird thing too, because sometimes I’m really glad we don’t have kids. In the here and now, I like our life. I like that I can spend most of my free time doing stuff for me. But when I think of the future, getting older, losing my parents, ect I start to feel really sad that I might not have a child to watch grow up.
I don’t know, but I guess I don’t want a child desperately enough to spend $20,000+ for a procedure that might not even work(IVF). Children are expensive enough…I don’t want to start out $20k in debt. Plus, I feel like if we were going to spend that kind of money, we should just adopt.
And call me selfish or spoiled, but if we adopt, I want a baby. I’m sorry, but I do(I don’t care what race or nationality the baby is though). I am open to adopting an older child as well eventually, but I want a baby at some point. I want to go through that part of a child’s life. I want to experience as much of my child’s life as I can.
I have four dogs. Three we adopted as puppies and one as an adult. I love our adult adopted dog(Lili) just as much as those we’ve had since puppihood. But I do miss that we have no pictures or memories of her as a teeny pup tottering around learning about the world.
But anyways, while I was at my yearly well-woman visit(or whatever they’re calling it now), my doctor more or less told me that if we are thinking of IVF we need to look into sooner rather than later. I guess my odds of conceiving naturally(that were crap before btw) are plummeting and basically in the impossible level at this point. Additionally, the more time passes, the sooner we get to me needing a hysterectomy.
I knew all that, really. He had told my husband after the surgery that we should start considering IVF. When I had my follow-up after the surgery though, he had been somewhat optimistic and told me we should try naturally for awhile. But I guess now, after more than a year had passed, the optimism is slowly dwindling.
It just hit me really hard this week. And then, my period was a few days late, and I dared to hope that maybe the statistics were wrong(they weren’t wrong, I was just late)
And after all this(plus more family situations such as my parents house being struck by lightening with lots of damage, my aunt’s new husband being hospitalized and not doing well at all), yesterday Aspen got really sick. Like really, really sick.
I’ve always adored my dogs, with Aspen definitely being my favorite, but my infertility has made me cling to them even harder. To put it into perspective, I feel like Aspen is my heart walking around outside of my chest. You may say it’s stupid to care for a dog that much, but I do. There will never be another dog that will be as close to my heart as she is.
She’d been a little off for a few weeks now, being lethargic and not eating much. She’s a chill dog to begun with and has never been a good eater, so it really wasn’t enough to call our attention to it until other problems started surfacing. But yesterday afternoon hubby was working in his office and I was in my sewing room. Aspen usually stays with him while he’s working, but around 2pm he brought her to me saying she had been vomiting and could I put her in the bathroom next to me(to contain the mess) and keep an eye on her.
I put her down in the bathroom and immediately knew something was wrong. She just stood there like a statue. Wouldn’t move AT. ALL. When you called her or made a loud noise she didn’t even acknowledge it. I picked her up and she went limp in my arms. She was like a rag doll, not even supporting her own head.
I ran downstairs and told hubby I thought we should take her to the emergency vet(why do my dogs always have problems when their regular vet isn’t open??). He said she was probably just in pain and we didn’t need to worry. Then he took her from me to scratch her belly and noticed her skin was ghostly white. We checked her gums/tongue/conjunctiva and they were all pale white/grey looking. She was so listless, I seriously thought we might not make it to the vet in time(I thought maybe she had had a stroke).
He immediately called his boss and said we had to take her to the emergency vet and he would make up his hours later. We put the other girls in their cage and hi-tailed it out the door(I was wearing ratty, bleach stained clothes and no bra). The ER is about 40 minutes from our house and I was panicking the whole way.
She started to perk up once we got to the vet and the initial exam showed nothing crazy going on. As we waited, she was seemingly getting better. Based on the timing of the symptoms and the recovery the vet thought that maybe she had been stung by a bee(we had taken her out about an hour before her symptoms really developed) and as her body processed the toxin she was recovering.
To be safe, the vet ran blood-work to rule out anemia or infection. We kind of thought we were in the clear and breathed a sigh of relief.
The vet came back in a bit later with the news that her white blood cell count was good, her platelets were good(no anemia), but her liver enzymes were off the chart indicating liver disease. They were going to keep her overnight and administer IV fluids and medications and we were going to have to transfer her to her normal vet in the morning to continue treatment. The vet was hopeful that it was just a viral hepatitis, but it had the possibility of being a blockage/tumor/liver failure.
Luckily, she did really well on the meds and even ate breakfast. I picked her up at 7am and she was so happy to see me. She still had a catheter in her left front leg and they gave me a bag of fluids to bring to her normal vet.
You can kind of see the bandage around her catheter.
Her normal vet thinks it is viral hepatitis as well based on the x-rays being clear and the blood-work. She’s on IV fluids at the vet and if she does well, she’ll probably get to come home this afternoon(with oral meds).
I’m just so glad that it wasn’t something worse and she will probably be just fine. I can’t wait to have her home and in my arms.
I will keep you updated of course!
I don’t write all this to try to garner some kind of sympathy or woe-is-me type reaction. It just is part of how my life is right now and I do want to try to share more of my life than just clothes and makeup and other frivolous things. And I figure maybe some of you are going through the same/similar things and you can relate.
So, that’s my story for today and I hope to be back tomorrow with some more light-hearted fashion posts(I’m aiming to wear the June Dress to work tomorrow so that should be fun!!).